So I have to go to Alamosa to take tests and then compete in PBL. If I place then I can go to nationals in Chicago. But what I am really writing about is the fact that today at work kinda sucked but I bought shoes and that made it all better. For real I went to dillards and bought a pair of Gianni Bini's for 20 bucks and I am so going back for this beautiful 4inch, stilletto, black, patent leather, MIA shoes. I mean I could seriously live for ever in happiness with these shoes.

What the fuck? Tony Lovato fucking stabbed some dude for dating his ex-fucking-girlfriend. Totally fucked up. Anyways, what is with chicago punk bands being ass holes and moving to California. For real I can not believe this!

So I totally got sexually harrassed at work by our midget 50+ year old security guard this week. It was for real weird. He took my picture at work more than once on his cell phone, kept telling me I was beautiful and telling me how fit he is. Yeah imagine a 4 foot tall creepy mexican drooling who now has pics of me on his phone. I am just going to tell myself that it was totally innocent but whatever I got him fired. Yay for me!

GCH tonight was amazing. Travis is effing perfect. The band watched the opening acts with the crowd. I for real haven't seen that since I saw Sugarcult at Red Rocks like 6 years ago. Yes I said Sugarcult, I'm bouncing off the walls again... WHOA!!!! Gym Class Heroes=Love! Doy!!!


p.s. I coughed so hard I almost threw up, being sick effing sucks!!!

So in my awesome sickness, I have no voice and the room has been spinning intermittently throughout the day, I was watching VH1 (big surprise). So, Top 100 songs of the 80's was on, so naturally I watched for like 3 hours on the couch in the living room drinking nyquil trying to sleep. During songs 35 to 11 they showed some awesome fucking music, and I realized something, Axle Rose from Guns 'N Roses totally makes me think of William Beckett. They look alike and I can totally see Academy falling to the same fate as GNR with an overly Divatastic lead singer. Then I saw Pat Benetar and it totally made me think of Lindsie and the shimmy. Anyways, I heart the 80's for real.

So I was reading Chris's journal after a friend posted an excerpt from his interview on my page and all I could think was A, Chris is fucking amazing, and everything he writes doesn't even start to cover how awesome a person he really is, and B, Chris looks great. I saw pictures of Pete a few minutes before on buzznet and seriously he is like 4 years younger than Chris and he looks way older and rougher, in a not-so-good way. Pete's new lifestyle has seriously taken a toll on him. A year ago all I wanted to do was meet Pete, again, he was my idol, down to earth, sweet, talented, and incredibly smart. Now I can hardly see him or read his journals without getting angry or feeling queasy. It is so stupid that I can idolize and hate someone so much. I mean seriously, you know your a sellout when you are advertising for the Gap. Whatever happened to I him being just a loser kid with a band and his own clothing company. Did he out grow his own shit and decide to force preppy ass emo clone striped shirts down the throats of the american youth. He needs to be knocked off his pedestal. Unfortunatly, if Pete gets what he deserves Fall Out Boy comes crashing down to earth too, and Patrick, Joe, and Andy shouldn't be casualties of war. Oh, and what is with Pete dating Michelle Tractenburg, holy publicity stunt. We all know very well that Pete will never be happy because he can't have the one girl that he can never have. I mean if Chris couldn't keep her how does Pete think he is even any where near good enough for her. Seriously, Chris is about as close to perfection as I have ever seen, and Pete, well Pete falls short of being considered human, let alone a good guy. Wow this whole pete thing really bothers me, obviously, I just want to yell at him. He isn't even real but he just pisses me off. Okay, done!

An Open Letter to GAB,

I quit GAB! I quit almost 2 weeks ago. I am over this. I am trying to be cordial. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. After all I had been insulted and hurt enough. But NO! I get more emails from people telling me I let them down. If this was the real world I would not be expected to save your ass after I quit. I am sorry to everyone who is let down by this situation. But this needs to stop. You are not going to guilt me into helping. There were two people who I would have stepped back and help on this event, and 1 of them burned that bridge today. I didn't want to lose friends, I didn't want to hurt my friends but I can not help GAB with a clear conscience. I hate that I have to sit in senate with 5 people in GAB including the advisor and have to put up with their fake niceness and that I have to fake niceness back. ITS OVER!You can exile, badmouth, hate me all you want, but I will not back down. I will not help this organization, I will only help my friends!!!Honestly, I know that you need me, and when you can drop down and tell me that you need me to help, I will be right there fixing the shit you should have done 4 months ago!!! Until then YOU can look like the ass, YOU can fuck up again, but don't blame for finally making you do your job and not saving your ass again!!

You did this to yourself,

Kayla

He used to have such great stuff on Clandestine but the new hoodie he just posted on buzznet has the fucking batmond on it. And it says stay gold, which only makes me think of Chris' post about him.I know that is not the reference but it is what it makes me think of. I can't wait for Chris' hoodie to come out since clandestine no longer makes anything that doesn't have a freaking diamond on it. Pete needs to realize that he is never going to be Kanye West and be himself. What ever happened to the bartskull?

I am so bored. Its Saturday, my roommates are all either out of town or at work and I am just bored. I want to move back to d-town already. I have a string of concerts that I want to go to, but money is a problem. I just need to get out of this town. I really have nothing to say I am just trying to waste some time. This is really sad, I am basically writing to myself. Is that bad? I am so bored I am writing when no one will probably read. That is one step above talking to myself. Someone please save me!!!

I have wanted this for so long and finally something is changing. I guess it has been changing for a while. I mean in December my life changed completely. I experienced the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Then it seemed like everything was just getting worse but I think it was just changing. I have finally realized that all of this change, although not the best, has brought me to this. I finally made a descision to make myself happy. I finally feel like things are going to be okay. Honestly I fell the way I felt right before I graduated High School. That feeling of going to a new place, of starting over. I feel like moving back to Denver will be a new start for now at least. I feel bad that I have grown so distant from everyone there, but I know that the phone works both ways too. We have all grown and made new friends, found new lives, and I think I have too. I feel like I am finally starting to know me. I know that I still need to learn a lot more about me before I will be happy but in the last 3 months I have grown a lot. I learned to write out my feelings, I am learning to be more organized, and I learned that I am strong enough. I know now that I can do what ever I put my mind to. I have never felt so close to achieving my dreams. Whats even better is that I don't regret my decision to go to Adams, because I know that the simple decision I made to move here set in to motion the events that allowed me to find my dream, to grow as a person, and to meet the people that I have. I may complain when I am stressed out but I am honestly so grateful that I have had the opportunities that I have had here. I am ready to leave, and eventually finish my degree, but more to finally be doing what I was ment to be doing. It is amazing how you can be so unsure of yourself and one stupid event can change everything, how one persons faith can restore yours. How a little encouragement can refocus your goals. I am ready to learn; about myself, the world, and people. I know I will accomplish my goals, I know I have more to sacrifice, and I know that I can do this. I can do this because I know that there are people out there who believe in me, who will be there, and who have been there. I am finally ready to change!

I hate thinking about it because it drives me nuts. I wish I was done with school, in a big city, working in the music industry in any way I can. I wish I could leave here and not feel guilty or like I was missing something. I wish Tabby wasn't going back to denver this summer so I could go work up there, but then I miss out here. I only want to be here for my friends. At this point I would quit school if it meant I wasn't going to be broke all the time. It drives me crazy, I hate saying " sorry I can't afford it right now" I wish it was easier to make everyone happy and make myself happy. I hate living in this small town and going to this stupid school but I can't leave and I can't quit school. I hate this!

As much as I wanted to go home last week, I wish I hadn't. Monday we went to work (play) with the cows and had a blast. Then tuesday I slept all day, not too bad. Then I went home on Wednesday. Dewey was sick, everyone was stressed, and then my mom told me that Brandy had killed herself that morning, in a very abrupt way not realizing that I didn't know. Thursday and Friday were stressful with Dewey and I ended up missing Brandy's funeral because we couldn't find the curch. Saturday morning my parents called me and my sister to tell us that we needed to come and say goodbye to Dewey because they were putting him down. Saturday night I had tickets to mest. This should have made me happier, but it was the last show in Denver since they are breaking up. I almost cried because they are my favorite band of all time and I was there from the very first mest show in Denver. It literally broke my heart to have to say goodbye to them. I still want to cry about everything and I just can't manage to. It should be over, I don't want to keep bringing people down but I am still in the early phases of grieving and it sucks because absolutely no one around me is even affected so it has to drive them nuts that I am always mopeing around.

mest is breaking up. way to break my heart i have be a huge fan for over 5 years. this is the saddest thing i have ever heard!

I got to talk to hey kate (and hey chris) which is pretty much the coolest thing ever! We were watching meet the barkers which is pretty much the best show ever. And Tiff came home from her vacation so we all talked and had our roomie Christmas. Christa started moving so basically yesterday was a great day.

So today my parents tried to give the old have more confidence speech which I have heard from every person I know lately. But honestly do you know what the biggest confidence boost has been. I got a picture of my grandmother from my mom and I have always thought that she was the most beautiful women I have ever seen. And you know what when I looked at the picture I realized that I look just like her only a little chunkier. I don't by any means think I am beautiful but it boosted my confidence so much to know that at least I look a little like my grandmother. It is nice to know that I have even some of her features. Any ways it was just cool to know that I have some of the features that made my grandmother so classically beautiful in the 40's and 50's. One day I will post a picture so you can see how cool this picture is and the picture of my grandfather in his army uniform from the 40's.

So I have been thinking a lot because of an email I got a few days ago. I was opening my email on monday and one of the emails said update your profile on some myspace-like site that I am a member of. So I went to the site and it said keep in touch with Lori, Kristie, and Brian. All I can think since then is Brian is dead. Shouldn't you know that! I can't keep in touch with him. I still can't delete his numbers from my cell phone because then its like he doesn't exist. Like he never existed. I really hate this and I hate even more that I am still dwelling on this. I wish I had just called him. I wish even more that he hadn't done what he did. I want to be over this but it is just something I can't get over. How do you get the image of your 20 year old friend lying in a casket? How do you forget all the times they were there for you and that important moment when you weren't there for him? How do you get past the voices of everyone saying that committing suicide means that he will spend eternity in hell? Even if you don't believe it. How do you console your friends when you can't even accept the news yourself? Why, why is it that 2 weeks later I still can't come to grips with all of this? Why can't I answer these questions, and why can't the past have been different?

This was the weirdest holiday season. It had some absolutely fabulous moments tempered by a horrible news. I passed all of my classes and met friends in springs on the 18th. Then I got to play with the cows on monday. That is where the painful news comes in. My friend Brian committed suicide on monday morning. Tuesday was spent in a haze until I drove to Denver. Tuesday was my moms birthday and we went to dinner and then my mom, dad, older sister and I went to blackhawk. I won 60 dollars and my sister won 70 dollars. Wednesday was our big family dinner and my aunt and uncle bought me a buddha. I was so excited. My uncle also asked me to make his bands myspace page which will be fun. Then there was thursday, thursday was the funeral. It was emotionally draining and heart wrenching. It was like a high school reunion in all black. There were probably 300 people at the funeral and the majority were under the age of 25 it was tragic. Saturday I got my hair cut, and I love it. Then me and Courtney drove to greeley to hang out with Sydney and Maddie. It was great fun. Christmas was good, my sisters both got digital cameras so we took tons of pictures. Monday I spent with my boi's Branden, Mikey and Derrick came to jens house to hang with me, jen, and court. It was super fun. I saw Rumor has it, and the family stone, both were good movies. Then I went shopping and came back to alamosa. I am glad to be home and want the remainder of break to be uneventful.

Today was graduation. It was so much fun. I volunteered to help out and ended up carrying a banner for the processional. After the ceremony we headed to home to change and tabby was moving out!!! Isn't it great Then we went to Ninos to hang with Crystal. We then spent a few minutes with Emily at her party, and headed over to Andria's parents house for her party. It was hilarious because Mel decided to play fight with Andria's brother Scott. Which was absolutely hilarious. Before we left we went to see the cows, which is like the coolest thing ever. It was great because Tiff and Jenny and Mel went with and finally realized the greatness of the cows. Andria and Lynn thought it was hilarious that we really ooohhed and awwwed at the cows because they were walking in a single file line. As tiff said it was like a train. She even took pictures of the cows. Jenny was more excited by the horses so lynn tried to get one of the horses to come to the fence so we could pet it. It was so much fun however it was freezing cold and I was wearing kitten heels which don't work well on a farm. Now I can't wait to pregtest the cows on monday it is going to be so effing cool.

So Court got her copy of Hey Chris' book, which is phenomenal. I had a great idea that led to a great discussion and now Hey Chris and Hey Kate are coming to ASC. I can't wait until the first when we can get the contract signed and make it official. I have been all permasmiley because of this. Plus I am done with finals and saw academy on monday. Now I just have to make it to Sunday when we see halifax and then monday I get to pregtest cows at Andrias. I love my life!!!!

The bad first...
Me and Court drove to Denver on sunday night to see the academy concert on monday. In the morning my dad decided to stay home and so my mom, dad and I went to breakfast. As we were leaving I told my dad I don't think Tabby should go to ASC anymore. I don't think she will ever graduate from a 4 year college. My dad got all pissed off and told me that he thinks I am wasting my life and that I am screwing everything up. He thinks that I am a loser because I want to work in the music industry and it is just some pipe dream. I personally think that my dad is disappointed that I quit being a biology and chemistry double major. SO yeah basically my dad thinks I am a loser and that I will never make anything of myself.

The Good News...
We went to the academy concert with Maddy and Sydney. At the concert the gorgeous and talented William Beckett sang right to us. Then we met Adam T. Siska and Tom Conrad. Tom is the coolest guy in a band I have ever met. We talked to him for a few minutes. Ran into the boys from DORK and Last Years Losers. Jimmy is such a sweetheart so we helped him hand out flyers. I wish I could go to their concert on saturday. Anyways, after the excitement we all went to dinner and had a blast then we drove home and went to class and took my final. Now I just can't wait to see Halifax and the fully down on sunday with our concert buddies and then off to home for christmas.
Merry Christmas I guess...